Hear ye! Hear ye!

Hello old friends,

I, Lil, from Lil’ Reviews of Reviews am back after a pandemic-length hiatus. No one asked for this, but isn’t that the nature of all self-publishing? 

Where have I been? Hmm… I guess there was just something about a deadly virus taking over the globe that made reading negative reviews written during that time seem… how do I put this? Soul crushing. Though to be perfectly honest, even before Covid hit, my burnout was real. I may ask you, “Who even has time to write Yelp reviews?”, and, to be fair,  you may ask me, “Who even has time to read Yelp reviews and then review those reviews?” Tomato, tomahto. Long story short, I needed a break. 

But I’m back babyyyy. I slept a lot during the pandemic and I’ve awoken reinvigorated and ready to shut down some haters. And because there wasn’t the huge perspective shift I was hoping for after we collectively experienced a largely traumatic event, the petty complaints haven’t gone anywhere! No one takes themselves more seriously than a person writing an angry Yelp review, and I just can’t allow that. 

If you’re new to my blog it’s a pretty simple concept: My name is Lil and I review reviews. It is important to remember to take my reviews of reviews with a grain of salt; I may be a bit far on the keep-that-shit-to-yourself of the complaining spectrum. My favorite Indian restaurant continuously failed the city’s health inspections, yet my loyalty was unwavering.

Anyway, here we go:

(Also, please forgive me for making this post like the blog entry leading up to a recipe. I promise I will never do it again)

Thank you, Angela B. New York, NY, for your review of the Bronx Zoo. 

Feelings about the morality of zoos aside, I Googled “Monkey scratches its face off Bronx Zoo 2019” and found nothing. I’m not necessarily accusing you of lying, but that it is something that would have made news - much like the woman in 2009 whose actual face was ripped off by her friend’s chimpanzee (something I think about at least once a week) -  and I would have heard about it. If this had happened I would hope that you’d have reported it to the zoo staff as that monkey would have needed urgent medical attention. 

My main question, or rather concern, with this review is the fact that it was written on March 22nd, 2023. Based on your stats, you’re not an avid Yelp reviewer - maybe you’re more of a Google reviews gal (or maybe you have a life) - and this is one of only two reviews you’ve posted. 

What, exactly, was going on that day that motivated you to write about this random “event” at the Bronx Zoo which happened four years ago? 

I have only ever written one review in my life, for a friend’s small business, and it was so over-the-top complimentary that anyone reading would know it was an inside job. Though people do write positive reviews (usually to gain Yelp Elite status - blegh), most of the site seems like a place for people to blow off some steam without any intention of making real change. Is that what was going on with you, Angela B? Perhaps someone misspoke to you at work. Or you were feeling disrespected by your kids. Maybe your husband forgot your anniversary. You felt powerless and you needed an outlet. 

My other theory (less likely, yet still possible) is that you’re the animal trapped in a cage. You subconsciously identify with the monkey you saw at the Bronx Zoo back in 2019, isolated and desperate for change. Whatever happened on March 23rd, instead of scratching your face off, you gave the zoo one star on Yelp. 

Angela B, I’m going to give you two out of five stars, simply because I found this review bizarre in an entertaining way. Wherever you are, I hope you are free. You deserve it. So does the monkey. 

See you next Tuesday!