Heaven Scent

Thank you, Amazon Customer, United States, for your review of Acqua dell’Elba, a cologne for men. 

I’m going to go ahead and give you a name and that name will be Danielle S. as in Steel. 

So, Danielle S., “When my husband wears Acqua dell’Elba……he ends up late for work (winky face) FULL STOP” would have been PLENTY of information about this product. You could be the hottest person in the world yet saying “I began to feel a heat building From deep inside me” would still make me throw up a little. I don’t want to imagine you and your husband moaning in front of a store clerk in a small shop in Italy after every spritz from an atomizer, nor do I want to know that you “couldn’t get back to the hotel quickly enough (more winky faces)” You’ve already made it crystal clear in the first sentence. 

I know there’s a huge market for this type of writing but it’s not for me. I stopped reading Fifty Shades of Grey before I even got to the sex because there were so many spelling errors in a published novel it felt insulting which, now that we’re talking about it, you’re suffering from similar issues. 

Out of curiosity, I think we should read more reviews of this product to see if others had a comparable experience, as what you are describing is quite something. 

Okay, okay, so Guru3’s review titled ‘Super!’ (a little too enthusiastic if you ask me) suggests that he is receiving a new level of attention from women. Another use of the winky face. Nothing too egregious here. I’m happy for him, though I’d rather it be because of his personality than this artificial scent.

me.’s review gets a little more suggestive. Xx? Two kisses followed by a literary moan. Geez.

From xyz’s review titled ‘Classic and particular’:

“More persistent than I thought”; “and it hasn’t tired me out yet.”

I repeat: HASN’T TIRED ME OUT YET. From all the cologne-induced sex you’re having?

This one speaks for itself.

"woody!"

Are we expecting what I think we're expecting?

This review is titled 'awesome'....

And what exactly IS being advertised?!

Okay, that's enough! Back to Danielle S.

From a marketing standpoint you are on to something, “This fresh and clean scent was everywhere, But why then was I feeling so dirty? (blushing giggle face?)” Having spent a semester studying abroad in Florence (I know, I know, cue the eye roll) this seems like a strategy the Italians would appreciate. “Our Italian discovery of marriage spice” They should be grazie-ing you. 

UNLESS! 

We are talking about a cologne that makes you have to have sex once you smell it! 

That is terrifying. 

What happens if you can’t go somewhere? People are just boning all over the public streets of Italy and now, thanks to Jeff Besos and Amazon, all over the world?! Or is it more like the 1992 film Love Potion No. 9 starring Sandra Bullock and Tate Donovan? Either way, it doesn't end well.

The fact that this has so many five-star reviews is astounding to me but, out of fairness, I should acknowledge yours is the most creative even if it makes me extremely uncomfortable. If you learn not to capitalize random words in the middle of your sentences (though, apparently, not that big of a deal - I'm looking at you Vintage Books), I think you have a shot as a romance novelist. Three out of five stars, Danielle S. 

Also, quick question: What’s going to happen to your relationship if they discontinue the cologne, are you guys going to be okay?

See you next Tuesday.