"So if you like cold food it's your place"

I had a lot going on at your age. Things like little league baseball, playing dress up, Irish step dancing, trying to get in touch with Whoopi Goldberg so we could be best friends, watching my friend Alex make a talking tv using his bare butt and a cardboard box... You know, busy, busy. Oddly, writing reviews was not one of my many activities. 

I’d love to go easy on you since this is kind of adorable, but you know what they say… if you’re old enough to write a Yelp review, you’re old enough to handle constructive criticism. So, here we go:

Thank you, Riana W., Provo, UT for your review of Chili’s in Salt Lake City, UT. 

Clearly, you’re articulate for your age - aside from the “me and mom” when it really should be “my mom and I” - but damn girl, where do you get the nerve? “The service was ok”; “So if you like cold food it’s your place”?? That is pretty savage for an eight-year-old! Am I really supposed to trust your judgment on the quality of service? I mean, how many restaurants could you possibly have been to in your short life? 

The main issues you’re presenting are the cold mashed potatoes and the $3 iPad charge. 

[SIDE NOTE: When I was your age my mom would bring scrap paper and crayons to restaurants and we would play a game called hangman where one person thought of a word and the other person guessed the letters of the word and each time you missed, a body part was drawn and if you missed too many times the (hanging) man died. It was a simpler time.] 

There’s nothing quite as disappointing as a chilly mash; I feel ya there. You and your mom “both hated it” yet, “the vibe was pretty good.” I’m getting some seriously mixed signals here, Riana W. This is a three-star review at worst. Since this is your very first attempt, I’ll let it slide. 

At eight years old, I’d just like to encourage you to slow your roll. Order a Shirley Temple, sit back, and relax. Don’t let these mundane annoyances bog you down so soon; save those for your thirties when you're in one giant existential crisis and writing these reviews is the only thing that gives your sad little life purpose. 

Three out of five stars, Riana W. Good luck out there. Now please pass this on to your mom. 

Mrs. W,

Why is Riana W. writing a Yelp review?! She’s EIGHT. Let her be a child! 

Kids that age tend to parrot their parents to make them happy. I suspect little Riana might have loved Chili’s but seeing as you did not, she did what she thought was best for you. She didn’t notice that the service was not amazing, she probably didn’t even notice that the mashed potatoes were cold, and I highly doubt she had much of an issue with the price of the iPad (though it’s good that she’s aware of the concept of money.) She probably didn’t even know what Yelp was until you mentioned it. Why are you doing this, Mrs. W.? 

I worry that this is just the first step of you raising a hypercritical mean girl who feels more than comfortable spewing hate and criticism from behind a computer screen. Cyberbullying is a huge issue amongst children these days. Do you want Riana W. to one day be responsible for the suicide of a middle school classmate? DO YOU? 

You may have noticed that someone marked this review as helpful, and I think we both know who that is. This is not the type of encouragement she needs. She’s obviously very bright (and she’s got a sass that I find both admirable and terrifying), and she’s going to do very well unless you continue to condone this behavior. 

Am I reading too much into this? MAYBE A LITTLE. But you never know how this stuff can spiral out of control. 

One out of five stars, Mrs. W. 

See you next Tuesday.