Yelp Elitist

Thank you, Ira K., Akron, OH for your review of Scooters Coffee in Akron, OH. 

As a child, my parents had a rule that I had to try food three times before deciding whether or not I liked it, and as a result, I have always eaten pretty much everything. My parents love to tell me I’m a “good eater” which is my favorite thing to hear. I just love it. Love it, love it, love it. 

Anyway, I’ve carried that rule of thumb with most things, not just food. I’m not going to force myself to go back if I’m not invested in having that particular experience, but if I’ve heard good things and the first time’s not great, I consider giving it a second or third chance and sometimes I do. Or I don’t and I just live the rest of my life. Ta-da!

All of this to say, you get some credit for giving it a second try. HOWEVER, I did some light Googling. Scooters Coffee has been around since 1998 but, this is a new location meaning, they probably haven’t had time to establish themselves in the area. 

Do you see this notation below your star rating?

“First to Review” 

Surely, you were aware of this. Are you pleased with yourself? I guess you must be because you’re Yelp Elite (as if that means anything.) What is the point of trying to bring this business down when they're just getting started? Quite frankly, that is a dick move. My parents (well, mostly my mom) also used to say “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Living like that is nearly impossible, but the point is to weigh the pros and cons of saying the not-nice thing. The only positive here is you being the first. With a vague, preference-forward, one-star-er that will maintain your “Elite” status (which again, means nothing) making it a… dick move. 

Upon further investigation, I noticed that this location of Scooters Coffee has an overall rating of THREE stars which means that there must be other reviews.

ONE other to be exact.

And here it is:

(Thank you, Alicia M., Akron, OH for your FIVE STAR review of Scooters Coffee in Akron, OH.) 

Notice the date on her review? One day after yours. 

It’s pretty obvious what happened here.

You two briefly dated.

The first date was nice enough. It had been a while since she’d been out and with the help of a couple of stiff margaritas it went "well." In the morning you took her to the new location of Scooters that opened up a couple of blocks from your apartment. It was your first time there and you were thoroughly disappointed but you didn’t want to look nit-picky. She seemed like someone you'd like to get to know further.

A few days later, you asked her out again and she said yes! The next morning, she suggested you go back to Scooters. You begrudgingly obliged. What does she see in this place, you wondered. If you learned anything from your divorce it's that you need to communicate better and if this was going to work, you'd better start now. So, you expressed your disatisfaction. You mentioned your Yelp Elite status and wrote the review, in a fury, right in front of her.

BIG MISTAKE.

She was lucky to see this side of you this early on.

Once at home, she looked you up on Yelp. One hundred and six reviews? Although a good portion of them were positive she couldn’t get past this particular one: 

Why would you give it one star if it’s already closed? Way to kick ‘em while they’re down, she thought. She texted you that afternoon to let you know that she didn’t think it was going to work out. Then you saw her review. She knew that her five-star would raise the average, negating your one-star review. Classic Alicia M. You never liked a pun anyway.

I can only hope you realized the consequences of your actions, and I believe that you might've; you haven’t written a review since.

My mom, who recently learned about the hierarchy of Yelp, likes to say that the Elite status is "pathetic."

Also, take Alicia M. out of your profile pic. You went on two dates, it's super weird.

One out of five stars.

See you next Tuesday.